One of my early memories as a 5 year old was sitting on some steps outside and looking up at clouds. My father had died suddenly a few days earlier. I was scanning those puffy clouds imagining that if my father were “in heaven,” as I had been told, which cloud would he pick. My emerging five year old intellect knew that this was just an imagination. After all, I already knew that Santa Claus was not real either.
Three years later, as a much more savvy 8 year old, I took my first plane ride. Now, I really knew that I would not find angels bouncing from cloud to cloud…..but I had to look anyway.
I think I have always looked for angels; in my mind, they were a sign of faith.
And while I have had moments in my life when I felt that “presence” that we all want to feel, I have had many more moments when I felt a distance. I call those moments my “Bill Maher” days (a well known humorist/atheist on cable TV).
It’s not that I look at the ills of the world and become discouraged about faith or religion. I truly believe man has free will; God is not responsible when we abuse it or if we ignore the presence of His grace.
This tenet alone attracted me to the Episcopal church as an 18 year old. You don’t have to check your brain in at the door as the popular saying goes. Rather, it’s the incredible story that we Christians must accept. The incredible miracle….the incredible existence of angels.
Faith: it’s a difficult concept to swallow sometimes.
One of my favorite lines from the movie “Amazing Grace” is when a young Wilberforce approaches his mentor, John Newton, and says his faith is slowly returning but not with “bolts of lightning.”
Newton answers, “sometimes God does his work ……in gentle drizzles.”
Teddy McCracken states it more literally: “It’s the small acts, Sue. Look for the small acts.”
In the past year, I have been the recipient of many small acts. Looking back at the last decade plus, life has been a bit of a roller-coaster; illnesses among several family members have taken their toll.
And I am ashamed to say, I have done my fair share of grumbling and felt guilty because I knew so many people were suffering more serious challenges and facing them so much more bravely.
Fortunately, I have my overall good health but as such, have spent a large amount of time in doctors’ offices and emergency rooms with other family members as their caretaker, their liaison.
On one particularly challenging day I was rushing to two separate ERs over 30 miles apart. My mother died during this period after a long battle. My husband’s health issues began accelerating and new, more serious, ones emerged. I had to take on the roles and jobs I had absolutely no experience in or aptitude for. And I was trying to maintain my own job in the afternoons teaching piano.
I didn’t have time to ponder faith or clouds much less pray about it. Or did I? If I had, I would have come to know a “presence” was with me helping me accomplish what I did not think I could do.
Finally, a little over a year ago, with my (step)father lying in critical condition in an ICU unit in Escondido, and a slab leak in my garage requiring massive re-plumbing of hot water lines throughout my home, I was driving home in the 15 south traffic when I looked to the sky and muttered, “I can’t do this anymore.”
There were no clouds that day….just gray sky. No answers, no bolts of lightning….not even a drizzle. It took me several more weeks to gather up enough courage to walk into Chris’s office and say, “I need help.” In a matter of days, people stepped forward to come to my assistance.
Mike spent a long afternoon educating me about closing a law practice and pitfalls to watch out for. Dave has long helped me navigate medical insurance waters.
And one day, Bob appeared at my doorway with, “I hear you need a friend.” He brought in marvelous, caring people to help get our house ready to sell.
Jane passed on packing boxes and more recently, a “garage sale” brigade has formed under Mary’s guidance to help me with this odious chore. My fellow altos have quietly sustained me from week to week.
And along the way, the people of Good Sam who knew I was having a difficult time, would give me a pat on the arm or a hug. A silent acknowledgement that I was not alone.
I must have been a hard one to convince; God had put all of these angels in my path but I have been consistently afraid. From that fear evolved those demons of doubt, anger, and ungratefulness. But together with Bob, Chris, Dave, Mike, Farah (who helped me keep business accounts), and countless others giving me courage when I had none, I am finally “getting it.”
Angels aren’t bouncing around on imaginary clouds; they are here in this life helping me, helping all of us stand on our own two feet. They have been here all the time. Small acts……drizzle. Faith.
It was only fitting that when my first grandchild was born (in Denver) last year, I was working in the Good Sam office. Well wishers gathered around me as we looked at the first pictures coming in on the computer from my son’s mobile phone. With the exception of my own family, I cannot imagine another group of people I would have wanted to be with me on that wonderful morning.
Our next transition, retiring to Colorado to be closer to family, is fraught with the unknown. It is the proverbial “leap of faith.” The decision to move has been enormously difficult; it wasn’t just a house but our lives being reshuffled.
I am still afraid; “are we doing the right thing?” crosses my mind daily. But the fear feels differently. It no longer paralyzes me.
I am encouraged, excited, looking forward. I have many more mornings where I awaken with music in my head (usually from choir practice) than mornings where I had awakened with a sense of dread. I have had a colossal “possibility adjustment” (thanks to Chris, for that timely sermon). We take with us the love and the care and support that we have received in this community.
I asked Bob one day how I would ever be able to replace this congregation, this community. He said simply, “You can’t.”
But I can move forward and pass on what I have learned to new people we meet. I can be an advocate. Angels are all around us. All you have to do is look. Most importantly, we are God’s instruments here on this earth, in this life. We are here to take care of each other.
Yes, I’ve “looked at clouds from both sides now, “as the Joni Mitchell song goes. And I will continue to check out those clouds from an airplane window (I think it’s in my DNA now)……..but I will be wiser, more trusting of God’s plan for us, and so very grateful for what I have been given.
Faith…..what a beautiful blessing. Thank you, Good Sam.
Where have you found your angels?
